Version 1:
My foot taps the brake, my thumb taps on the horn, and I count the pairs of eyes. One pair. Two pairs. Three pairs. And then one white-tail is joined by a second and a third.
As I whisper a prayer, “Please don’t run across the road. Please don’t try to jump across my car. Please, NO!”, they pause. They stare. Frozen.
Slowly, cautiously, and with my heartbeat in my throat, I continue on my way.
Version 2:
How did I evade trouble? What force of nature had me tapping the brake to slow my speed as I caught images of pairs of eyes and flashes of white out of the corner of my eye? My experience said, “Don’t swerve. Stay in your lane.”
My defense was to slow down, hit the horn, and proceed cautiously. I counted the pairs of eyes. One pair. Two pairs. Three pairs. Matched by three white-tails extended skyward.
What caught their attention? The change in the sound of the engine as I slowed, the car horn, or the headlights that froze them at the edge of the road. I eased past them as they remained frozen.
Today I was victorious. Driver: 1; Deer: 0. Still on the road.
Version 3: reposted from this previous blog (link)
Two eyes, glowing in the reflection of my headlights, joined by another pair, and then another pair as I see the dreaded white flicker . . .
White-tailed deer
Not to be confused with those other deer, reindeer, also visible during this season, and recognizable by my two and a half year old grandson.
My foot has already hit the brake, my thumb on the horn, sounding out a staccato beat that matches the prayer on my lips,
“Please don’t run across the road. Please don’t try to jump across my car. Please, NO!”
And just like that the glowing eyes decided not to fight tonight. Not to risk life and limbs crossing the road. They merely paused . . . and stared . . .
And I blinked, slowed, and cautiously continued on my way.
Which version is your favorite?
And why?
How often do you rewrite/rework a post?
How do you decide WHAT to rewrite/rework/revise a post?
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Essential Question for today (Link)
Writing/Planning: Do I know enough, yet, to begin writing?
Resource - Full 
You bring light to the ever so integral writing step of revision. There are nights, my friend, in which I spend FAR too long revising my post. I have decided that the value for me in to just put my story out there in it’s authentic form. Personally, my favorite version was #1 because of this line, “Slowly, cautiously, and with my heartbeat in my throat, I continue on my way.” Thought provoking slice, thank you.
I was looking for a story when I remembered this story and thought about working it up as a demo for revision. Famous words that I’ve been told “Publish means make a piece public. Publish does NOT mean perfect.” And it’s so much easier to hit the publish button! 🙂
Slowly, cautiously, and with my heartbeat in my throat, I continue on my way.
I love this line. I love the feeling your words evoke in the first draft…especially with this line. I honestly liked them all, but this one really got me hooked…I love animals, so I am so happy the deer are ok, and it’s stressful when driving in deer country. One jumped on my car once on Halloween, and it didn’t go as well. So, I’m so glad to hear a happy ending.
My deer encounters are in the double digits. This one could have been totally different. The deer have always lived and their damage has been a royal pain
YES…..the damage. UGH.
I prefer 1, but with the paragraph starting “just like that” in version 3. I like the deer not being named, you give us enough to make the inference.
Thanks for sharing all of your versions. This would be a great mentor post for students during the CSOL! There are so many ways to tell the same story!
Thanks, Jennie. So many possibilities!
I love parts of each one.
From #3: ” a staccato beat that matches the prayer on my lips,”
From #2: “One pair. Two pairs. Three pairs. Matched by three white-tails extended skyward.”
But #1 is my favorite. A beautiful, bit-by-bit.
Thanks, Julieanne my final work may not match any but may include those parts you mentioned!!!
Clever way to show how revision affects a piece. For me, the first one puts me in the car, rapid pulse and heartbeat, and cautious relief.